Dirty Jokes

1) ???

2) A guy walks into a bar. With him is his ever loyal dog, Bart.

The guy tells the bartender “My dog can talk”. Go ahead, Bart.
Tell the bartender what you want to drink”. Bart says “I’ll have a beer”.

Well the bartender is amazed! “I can’t believe it!” You really can talk!”

The bartender quickly comes up with an idea. “Look, here’s $5, go across the street to Smitty’s place, order a beer, spit it out and tell him you like ours better!” “That’ll teach that asshole”

So the dogs takes the money, and runs out of the bar.

Worried about Bart running across a busy street, the guy runs out and finds Bart in the midst of love making with a beautiful golden retriever. He pulls Bart off and with disapprove and says, “Bart, I’ve never seen you do that before!”

Bart says, “I’ve never had $5 before”.

3) Shania Twain and Dolly Parton were cycling home late at night and got lost in an old part of town.

Shania thinks she knows the right direction home and leads the way.

As their bikes rattle across a cobbled street Shania says “I’ve never come this way before”.

Dolly Parton looked at her and said “Neither have I”.

4) Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at the party they were at the night before.

1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.

2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI!

3rd guy: That’s nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed!

1st guy: No, no.. you guys don’t understand! Chunks is my dog.

5) An Indian with a dog, horse, and sheep was met on the trail by a cowboy.

Cowboy: “Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?”
Indian: “Dog no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He lets me run free twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Indian has a look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Indian: “Horse no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how does he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me under a tree to protect me from the rain.”

Indian stares in utter amazement.

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Indian: “Sheep is a filthy liar.”

6) A talent manager walks into an agent’s office, four well-built women in tow. He makes a pitch; a family act involving props. Before the agent can say a word, the guy–probably the world’s most dedicated talent manager–strips naked and lies face down on the floor. The ladies do a number on his… well, that’s not important. What’s important are the tools they use; a baseball bat, a golf club, a lead pipe and a pair of steel-toe boots.

Once the excruciating “act” is finished, the guy slowly gets up and asks the agent what he thinks.

“I got an act like that already,” the agent says, “It’s called The Aristocrats.”

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